Today I had a visit to the specialist.
I had a lump in my breast. A very painful lump.
For the month since I made the appointment, I have had a little knot of worry in the back of my mind. A little knot of worry that grew and grew and grew. Until last night I was kept awake by the anxiety. The what ifs.
Talking with friends, I know that I'm not alone in this anxiety. Even if I felt unnecessarily melodramatic, in the middle of last night.
It turns out that I have three cysts. Benign. Nothing to worry about. The pain should subside. Just "some mischief" that's occurred since I weaned Jamie from breastfeeding. And possibly due to some hormonal changes I'm experiencing at the moment.
And so I found myself exhaling, unaware even that I'd been holding my breath.
You see, what kept me awake last night was not the worry about myself. No. In some part the worry was about Jamie. About being around for him; with him. In a large part though, the worry was for something else entirely. For someone else entirely.
I shouldn't even be telling you this, strictly speaking. But in my relief that all is well, I am throwing caution to the wind...
I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!
We are absolutely over the moon.
And as for the last post... well it turns out that they have had staffing changes at the centre (why did no-one tell me?) and that's likely the reason for Jamie's anxiety. He took Teddy with him on Friday and they tell me he had a better day. He still clung to me like a limpet and howled pitifully when we peeled his fingers from my top. But apparently he recovered well.
Even this afternoon, as he drove off with Grandma and Grandad for the afternoon - a treat that does not usually equate with tears - he still howled to be leaving me. Albeit, he did make a good show of blowing kisses through the tears.
Ah, I love him dearly.