So, this week we learned that our IVF cycle has been unsuccessful. Not terribly surprising, but upsetting nonetheless.
Upsetting, because... well... for one thing, they pump you full of hormones, fuller than you've ever been in your life, and then they deliver the sad news, so .... well.... it's a bit hard to deal with bad news when you are terribly hormonal, lol.
But, also upsetting because, for us this means the end of the road in having another baby. It means that Jamie will never have a sibling. It means that his only family here is me, his Dad, his grandma and his grandad. Such a small, small family for a little boy. I'm sad for him.
And while I've had three years of trying for a baby, in which to try to come to terms with the fact that it may be over, it's still quite hard to digest when the news comes.
(ETA: I should explain that, when we initially decided to do IVF, we were told that we would only be offered one cycle. Because, at my age, it was unlikely that IVF would help, and that any further cycles would be a waste. So, although we'll discuss it with our specialist when we see him next, the option of more cycles is probably not one that will be available to us.)
And I realise that for the last three years, I have put my life on hold. Because, well, each month there was the possibility that I would be pregnant. So, I held off doing this. And I held off doing that. Then, there was the possibility that we would need IVF, so I saved and held off buying this, and held off buying that (like my DSLR camera ;) ).
But, now I guess I need to take stock. Jamie will be in school in a year's time. What new goals will I need to put in place? It's terribly hard to turn a ship around when it's been sailing full steam towards a goal... It's so hard to stop, and to change my headset. But that's what I need to do.
I thought twice about whether to post such a private thing. But, I know that I have mentioned this before. I know that some of you are probably wondering how our journey is going. And I know that we are not the only family grappling with these sorts of issues.
(I also know that we are lucky to already have one perfect little boy, and we are oh so grateful to have him bless our lives. There are other families who don't even get to experience that. I know that we are lucky. Nonetheless, I think that if your heart has been really aching for something whether it's your first child, or your sixteenth (!?), the news that your desire will not come to fruition is difficult no matter what.)
Well, now I'm waffling. Dratted hormones, lol.
I want to thank you if you have held us in your thoughts recently.