Today I had one of those moments. A moment where something clicked in my head and I almost gasped at the realisation.Most of you would be aware at my grief at finding myself unable to have another baby. I have always wanted two children. Part of my desire for two children comes from having been one of two, myself. The other part comes from having spent vacations with my sister in Perth when my nephews were about Jamie's age. I adored seeing them outside, laughing and giggling together. And I had held that snapshot in my head: that snapshot of two small children playing together, their giggles and childish voices floating across the backyard. And I yearned all this time for it to be translated across into my own life.
I cannot tell you how much grief that snapshot in my head has given me. Nor can I express the regret I feel whenever I see that image in my head. The regret over every circumstance that has led me here to this situation where I can only have one child. To this situation where that snapshot in my heart is incapable of becoming a reality.
But today I had a sudden realisation. Because as I stood in the kitchen preparing snacks, I looked out the window across the yard at my son playing with his little friend in the back garden. And I heard them laughing and giggling with glee. And all of a sudden my mental image and my reality transposed over each other and aligned. And I realised that the Universe does deliver. Just sometimes not exactly as you have it in your preconceived ideas. Sometimes you just have to be open to other possibilities.
Happy days!Kathie
5 comments:
Kathie, I can't begin to image what it must be like, yearning for more children and not being able to have them. I am so very blessed to have my girls and your posts always make me more aware of that.
I can understand where you're coming from in wishing Jamie had a sibling to play with and laugh and share secrets with. Over time, especially once he has started school, he will meet so many children and develop such great friendships that he will still have the opportunity to experience all those positive things you wanted a sibling to share with him. Friendships can be pretty powerful!
Hi Kathie, while I have been luck enough to be blessed with two beautiful boys, I feel a bit of your pain as I long for a daughter. I love my boys very much but part of me mourns the fact that I will never get to do the mother-daughter thing like my mum and I did.
Jamie is a lucky boy to have such great parents who care about him and his welfare so much.
Sarah
Oh Kathie, your post touches my heart in so very many ways! I think I all honesty it has taken me a good 6 years to come to terms with Noah having Downs (he will be 8 in Jan). I understand how hard it is to reconcile the pictures you have for yourself and your life and what you thought it might be, and the grieving that comes with that. Thankfully we have come to a very happy place with all the Noah's beautiful little life entails....that's not to say we don't have sad patches, I think that's normal. Jamie is so very fortunate to have such a spectacular Mum and I know your beautiful parenting will make up for anything he might miss along the way!
Thinking of you xxx
Kathie i really feel for you.... i can understand where you are coming from, and if i had been in your shoes, i would totally feel the same way as you do..... giving a child a sibling seems such a small ask, but until you try and try and it cant eventuate then all these sad thought come, and i feel sad for you, but jamie is such a loving and gorgeous little boy, and when he has friends over you can get that little lump in your throat for a while....
i was lucky enough to be able to have 6 lovely boys, my youngest Connor is like an only child though because he is 4, and my others are between 17 and 11, so he doesnt have any little brothers to play with like the older ones did, and i feel sad for him.....
It can be so heartbreaking when our dreams of children don't turn out as we plan, or hope, or even yearn for...for one reason or another. I know that for sure :( All we can do is adjust our expectations, and be truly grateful for what we do have. What I see from your blog is a gorgeous little man, who has parents who adore him, and who do everything to ensure he has a wonderful childhood...and really, that's lots more than many children who have siblings will ever have :(
Thank you for sharing your a-ha moment...acceptance can lead to all sorts of happiness.
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